HogwartsInstantMessaging
by NIKE Goddess of Victory
Summary: some HpGw and RwHg and SfOC.... the gang plays pranks and plots evily on their new computers and chat on their new cell phones! unknown to them, Dumbledore knows whats happening and laughing his head off.
1. it begins

**H**_ogwarts_**I**_nstant_**M**_essaging_

Hermione Granger flopped onto the best armchair in the bustling Gryffindor common room. She bent down to get her laptop from her bag. It felt so weird having computers at Hogwarts this year. The only reason she was able to IM her muggle friends from back home was that Dumbledore got hooked on Spider Solitaire when visiting a muggle internet café in London that past summer.

She pressed the power button of her Toshiba ULTRA-THIN notebook and watched the gray screen light up. Hermione leaned back and exhaled. When it got to the home screen she double-clicked the IM icon and waited. To her awe and dismay a little wizard cartwheeled across the screen stopped, waved the tiny wand in his hand and the following words appeared across then screen: "**H**ogwars**I**nstant**M**essaging ! The new form of IM exclusively for Hogwarts Students!"

When that little display was over, a buddy list popped up as well as a sign in box.

It said: "WHOA there-Looks like you're new! Type in your name and house to make a screen name and password!

Hermione typed in-

**NAME:** Hermione Granger

**HOUSE: **Gryffindor- which led to another screen saying, "Welcome Hermione, to H.I.M.! Below you can customize your screen name and password."

She thought for a moment and then typed in:

ScreenName: yougotgryffined

Password: slytherins drool

Hermione chuckled to herself and clicked enter. 'Oh, this year's gonna be fun' she thought.


	2. where ferrets do marticial arts

H.I.M

(A/N: Sorry about the last chapter being so short- I was in a rush, I promise they will be longer- and many THANKS to my reviewers- you peeps rock! Yeah, peeps, don't ask…)

Ch.2

The empty buddy list glared back at her. Hermione realized that she didn't know anyone else with H.I.M or with a computer for that matter. "Darn, thanks a lot stupid H.I.M!" muttered Hermione under her breath.

"You just have to click new contacts, then type in people's names and houses. Presto Change-o, no more empty-o!"

Hermione whipped around, "Who said that?" she asked impatiently.

"I did, you silly little girl," went the voice again.

"WHAT DID YOU CALL ME? And who said that?" She practically yelled.

"I did, the buddy list- you can call me Joe."

Hermione sighed. Enchanted buddy list- she should have known…

"Well, thanks for the help Joe."

"No problem," the buddy list said back.

"Hey, Joe…Just wondering, but do you know anyone else with H.I.M?" Hermione questioned eagerly, "because I don't know anyone else with a computer…"

"Uh, yeah, Dumbledore set up computers in a new wing of the library. You know, I think the only reason he's letting computers this year is cuz he got hooked on some game. Sloth Solitaire… Ferret Solitaire… something like that…" responded Joe.

"You mean Spider Solitair?"

"Ahh, that's the one… it was right on the tip of my tongue."

"Right…" said Hermione rolling her eyes.

She toughed the mouse pad with the side of her thumb and the on screen mouse (magiced into a wand cursor) sprung to life, shooting red and gold sparks out of the end. "How festive…" She clicked the new contacts box and typed in the following:

**NAME:** Harry Potter

**HOUSE:** Gryffindor

Joe said, "Here I'll add his name to the list- his screen name is the 'OCQuidditch', do you get it? Obsesive Compulsive Quidditch, do you get it, that is so FUNNY! HA!"

Again, Hermione rolled her eyes, "Yeah, oh so funny…"

She typed in another contact-

**NAME: **Ron Weasley

**House:** Gryffindor

She gave a small smile, her mind relaxing.

"Ohhh, I see how it is…" said Joe.

"How do you see, you have no face?" asked Hermione.

"I do not know…" replied Joe, "well his SN is…hmm…ahh, it's 'WeasleKing', very clever!"

Hermione smiled, that was just like him to be so freely arrogant and not looking boastful like some people she knew… COUGHdracomalfoyCOUGH 'Hmm, lets see if he has an SN…" she thought.

She repeated the cycle again but this time typed in-

**NAME: **Draco Malfoy

**HOUSE:** Slytherin

This time Joe tried to stifle a laugh but it came out anyway, "HIS…laughs SN….giggles is…chokes and get self together… 'WHITEninjaFERRET'!"and just burst out in an uproar.

(**A/N: well, that's the end of the chapter, but I will update and try to make longer chapters! And thanks to **Winter's Light **the idea of Draco's SN. THANKS ONCE AGAIN!)**


	3. Ginny joins the maddness

H.I.M

**(A/N: Sorry bout da short chappies. Thanks to my reviewers! To Katie: wow that was SPECIAL… Winter's Light gave me some ideas which will be mentioned in the chappies to follow!)**

Ch.3

And that got Hermione laughing- HARD. This attracted many people to come over and ask her if she was 'alright'. Ginny game over and sat on the arm of the chair and patted her on the back. "it's okay Hermione, let it all out…" said Ginny. "SO, mind to tell me what is just SOOOO hilarious..?"

"Yeah, sure…" said Hermione after taking 17 relaxing breaths.

(**A/N: note the awkward number 17…**)

"Ok, I just downloaded the new IM thing called HogwartsInstantMessaging, and I was looking for screen names of other people in my year, and I found Malfoy's- you wanna hear it? Ok, its…….WHITEninjaFERRET!" said Hermione, they burst out laughing again, this time accompanied by Ginny.

They laughed, they cried—for 10 minutes. When the finally got over it Hermione asked Ginny, "Do you have HIM?"

Ginny sighed, "no, I don't, how do I get it?"

Hermione got up and turned her computer off. She turned to Ginny and said, "Ginny, we have to go to the library."

"Awww 'Mione, can't you get a book on your own time?"

" no you nitwit, we are not going to get a book, we are going to use the computers."

"ohhh I see" said Ginny, half to herself.

They were in the library within a few minutes. Hermione led Ginny to the back of the library, where they sat down at a desk with a computer. It took Hermione 5 minutes to convince Ginny that you _sit_ in the swivel chair. Once in the chair, it took another 5 minuets to stop Ginny from spinning.

Then Ginny discovered the mouse. Oh GOD. She tossed it in the air, and spun it like a lasso by the cord. It took Hermione many attempts to wrestle the mouse away from her. It is much easier said than done. When all was calm, as it can get with Ginny fidgeting like a rabid fox next to you, Hermione took hold of the mouse and at last double-clicked the H.I.M icon, and it started up.

Ginny stared in awe as the wizard cart-wheeled across the screen. She jumped back when the window popped up announcing, "Woah there! Looks like you're new, BLAH BLAH BLAH…" Hermione scrolled down and typed in, Ginny's name and House. Another box popped up saying, "Hmm… looks like you need a screen name YADA YADA YADA…" And Hermione nodded to Ginny, signaling to make an sn.

She awkwardly typed in:

**ScreenName: **weaslette

**PassWord:** eat dung slytherins

Hermione said, " Isn't your password a bit _obvious_." They laughed and shared the corny moment.

Quickly Hermione maneuvered the mouse and clicked around trying to disable the talking buddy list. At last she found the silent option and a popup came up saying, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, DEAMON-ESS!"

Ginny turned her head to face Hermione and asked, "What was that all 'bout?"

**(A/N: sorry bout the length once again. But I just HAD to leave a minor cliffie- not really… I have teamed up with Asterisk Truly, and shez helping to write it (mostly the typing, I dictate! Please, leave props/comments whatever you chose to call them. Thanks to my reviewers! Today was a snowday in my town (Asterisk's town is the same, I live down the street from her, so another chappie will come shortly!)**


	4. the list gets listier

HIM Chapter 4 (AT LAST!):

Hermione rolled her eyes, "You don't wanna know…"

Ginny turned toward the computer screen and shrugged, "whatever"

Hermione 'navigated' her mouse around the screen and started to search for people's screen names. The message box popped up telling her to type in the person's name and house, and she typed in:

NAME: FRED WEASLY  
HOUSE: GRYFFINDOR

Another box popped up telling them his SN: gred1134. They pressed a button and added him to Ginny's buddy list. Hermione leaned over to her computer and just added his screen name directly. (**A/N: The Name & House search is to find the screen names, which you then add to the buddy list- for all of those who were a little confused.**)

They repeated these steps over and over until they both had the following SN's on their buddy lists:

yougotgryffined (hermione)

OCQuidditch (harry)

WeasleKing (ron)

weaslette (ginny)

gred1134 (fred)

feorge007 (george)

PerfectPrefect (percy)

Zamb1n1 (blaize)

WHITEninjaFERRET (draco)

Pansyflower888 (pansy)

Malfoyzminion1 (crabbe)

Malfoyzminion2 (goyle)

**A/N:** **How they had the intellect to CHOSE which as #1 and which was #2 I don't know… **

rainbowlav (lavender brown)

omgitzpavarti (pavarti)

nowayomg (padma)

**A/N: I don't know why, but I always imagined the Patils as gossip queens…**

ADDOREyo (dumbledore, when in touch with his 'gangsta' side)

Grandmasays (neville, as a 'grannys' boy)

soccerstar133 (dean)

irishbloke212 (seamus)

Iluvceddiggory (cho)

Iluv chochang (ced diggory)

Crossndbones (susan bones)

cameraboy616 (colin creevy)

iCANseeTHEM (luna)

yahBulgaria (Viktor krum)

At the last SN, Ginny let out a huge squeal, "Oh My God. Krum has an SN! You don't mind if I IM him, do you Hermione?"

Hermione shook her head, "Go ahead, it's over between us."

"YEYYYYY!" squealed Ginny.

"Wait, oh my god- what if the _teachers_ have SNs also!"

(**A/N: Well, that's the end of the chapter, I will update soon. Sorry about the length, and about the minor cliffie… you can all probably figure it out though… to all my readers: HAPPY HOLIDAYS! ) **


	5. London Gangsta Lingo

**Chapter 5: HIM (hugely awaited!)**

Ginny's hazel eyes got very large, "They could be chatting secretly and amiably among us!" she squealed, very freaked out and frightened. "Hermione, Dumbledore had one… that means the other teachers could have them also…"

Hermione almost fainted, but recovered quickly. She turned to face Ginny with her "i'm-so-evil-and-i'm-making-a-master-plan" look. Ginny laughed and said, "I know that look! You're thinking of something _EVIL!_… or something completely off the point…tell me your thoughts OH GREAT ONE!" she whispered very audibly, jumping in her seat.

Hermione gave Ginny a look that clearly said, 'you'll see!'. She took hold of the mouse and searched for someone's name. She typed in:

NAME: Severus Snape  
HOUSE: Slytherin

She grinned _ever_ so widely when his SN popped up in a window she quickly added it to both buddy lists and turned to face Ginny with the evil grin still plastered on her face. "This is something I do over the summer back at home with my muggle friends Kat and Amy. They are THE biggest computer-wise people I know, so the were able to get ahold of their teacher's screen name. So all summer we IMed him and pretended to be his long-lost girlfriend named Gilda who wanted to get back with him after a 3 year hiatus away from her 'lovers'. It was soooo hilarious."

Ginny raised her eyebrows, "So were gonna give _'Sev'_ a hard time by pretending his _'Gilda'_ has returned to him! Oh, Hermione you're SO evil, I didn't know you had it in you!" Ginny squealed.

Just at that moment the computer made a large beep, and a window popped up on the screen. Ginny jumped back in sheer fright. And Hermioe giggled and told Ginny reassuringly, "Gin, it's only and IM someone sent me! Here, lets see who its from.

They looked at the screen and read Hermione's IM. It went like this:

WeasleKing: hey Hermione, whatcha doing? It's Ron. Are you thinking of doing something evil? Don't ask, I can just her you and ginny laughing and giggling evily from down the row. :)

They both turned their heads to the left and they could see Ron Weasly sitting down at a computer 6 seats away from them. They blushed and Hermione typed back:

yougotgryffined: well if you just MUST know, yes, we are plotting something evil… against YOU! No, just kidding. Lets just say, "its about to get pretty dirty up in here"…

Don't ask, its some weird muggle-'gangster' quote.

She laughed and pressed SEND.

Two and a half milliseconds later you could here the familiar beep of an IM being received 6 seats to the left of them.

Ron read the IM, and turned to Hermione and raised one eyebrow, as if saying, "you've got to be _KIDDING_ me…" Hermione laughed and wrote again:

yougotgryffined: don't worry, I've been living in London my WHOLE life and still don't understand their deranged street talk…

She pressed send and grinned.

Ron received the message and breathed a sigh of relief. He wrote back:

WeasleKing: good, because your _NORMAL_ talk is confusing enough for me thank you-- ha, just kidding 'Mione

WeasleKing: oh yeah, why do we have to IM, can't we just talk in person!

Yougotgryffined: yea Ron we could, but it wouldn't be as cool and secretive!

Ginny wrote back.

WeasleKing: ah whatever, I'm going to go play quidditch with harry & them

WeasleKing: c u later

HerhHHHHH

Hermione smiled and waved goodbye to Ron as he got up to leave. Ginny waved her hand as to shoo his away. Hermione raised her eyebrows toward Ginny and said, "well that wasn't very nice!"

"Yeah, well, after having to live with him for 10 years strait at home, you get kind of fed up with him." Ginny responded as if it were perfectly normal. Hermione nodded, "ah, I see- kind of like what Viktor did to me…"

Suddenly a memory rushed back into her mind… _" 'Oh My God. Krum has an SN! You don't mind if I IM him, do you Hermione?', 'Go ahead, it's over between us.' , 'YEYYYYY!'" _ Hermione jerked back into awareness when Ginny's squeal of delight ended. "Oh. My. God." Hermione said her eyes widening with each word. "HIM is for Hogwarts students, and Hogwarts students ALONE, right?" she said gasping.

Ginny nodded her head slowly, "Yeah, why?"

Hermione turned white, "Viktor Krum has come to Hogwarts."

(**A/N: yey, I finally wrote a longer chappie! I know it was a slight cliffie, but I had to. The prank IMs to Snape will come next chapter, along with Hermione's transformation into GILDA!**

**HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!)**


	6. Seamus?

_(A/N: this is a sort of in-between chappie. It takes place before the prank has been executed. Hermione chats to her muggle friend on AIM. For all of those who don't know what AIM is, I shall explain: it is a muggle IM program run by AOL.) _**  
Chapter 6: Seamus?**

Ginny gasped, "oh my god Hermione, don't worry; me, harry and ron will protect you from him and his evilness!"

"Thanks Ginny. It doesn't bother me THAT much…" she muttered. (But what was REALLY going on in her mind was: _oh my god! Why in the name of Merlin is he here?)_

Ginny gave her a comforting hug and said, "Well 'Mione, no one is on HIM. Can we try going on this alleged 'AIM' for a while!"

Hermione brightened up and signed HIM off their computer.She took her laptop out of her bag and started it up. Once turned on, she was able to click to AIM icon, which was a little yellow person that looked like he was running.

"Look! My muggle friend is on! Let's talk to her!" Hermione squealed gleefully.

Ginny stared at the screen and pointed to a word. "Hermione, what does that mean?"

Hermione laughed and said, "Ginny, that's my friend's SN. It's Kat's, but you can also call her Kors. She's one of my accomplices, my BFFAEAEAETDDUP, and my inspiration for the prank! We can talk to her. She doesn't know about me being a witch, so don't say anything weird. Whatever you want to tell her tell me first."

Ginny nodded. "What's a BFFAE…thingy?"

"It stands for Best Friend For Ever And Ever And Ever 'Til Death Do Us Part."

"Ok, just checking…"

Hermione double clicked her SN and started chatting.

HERshee: OMG KORS!

KLurvesUrAccent: Heyy Herz!

Ginny looked confused and asked Hermione, "WHAT! Why did she call you HERZ!

Hermione sighed, " LONG story..."

HERshee: so howz life treatin u and Amy?

KLurvesUrAccent: s'ok, but we reeeealy miss u herz! so... any accenterz ?

Ginny looked appaled, "do I _want_ to know what she is talking about?"

Hermione chuckled, "Probably not, but I'll tell you anyway! She has an obsession with Irish and Scottish accents; she's originally from America, so she's fascinated with accents-- as u can see from her screen name.

Ginny, "one question before you type, she's one of the one's who did that thing prank over the summer?

Hermione sighed, "yep! Don't you LOVE HER?

HERshee: YEA! there be many with AH-MAZING accents, as you would say. There's one boy in my year with an Irish accent...

KlurvesUrAccent: OMG! faints I soooooooo wish i was u!

HERshee: OMG kors, BREATH!

KLurvesUrAccent: breathing...slightly...

HERshee: so reeeealy- howz Amy?

KLurvesUrAccent: same old same old. we're doing "THE PROJECT" again.lol. dis time with the computer teach. lol. hillarious. do u get cell reception there? Wherever your CRAZY BORADING SCHOOL IS?

HERshee: hmmm… not sure…

KLurvesUrAccent: squeels need hott Irish fix!

HERshee: idk, maybe i shouldn't let u... i need to ask the head master and the (and i quote) "hott irish guy"

KLurvesUrAccent: FINE. W/e Annie's got 2 use ma computerr. luv u herz!

HERshee: 33 u 2 kors. Oh, and the Irish guy's name is Seamus. ;

KLurvesUrAccent: thanx! BYEZ!

KLurvesUrAccent has signed off.

Ginny laughed, "wow… she's crazy. She's obsessed with Seamus and she hasn't even seen him!"

"Oh, but she has! I took a non-moving picture of him last year and showed it to her. She just found out his name when I told her a min ago." Giggled Hermione.

"WOW…" muttered Gin.

"Shall we plan out our prank Agent Red?" Hermione whispered.

"Agent who? What's an agent?" Ginny retorted.

"Bah, never mind Gin…" Hermione muttered.

**(Well… that's chapter 6! It's odd, I know… well next chappie is the pre-prank stuff! So enjoy!)**


	7. a KORdial Entrance

CHAPTER 7: A KORdial Entrance

(A/N: I was in a dorky and pun-ish mood when I wrote this chapter. thanks to Asterisk for helping me with ch.6! The pre-prank plotting will MOST definitely be made next chappie. THANKS SOOOO MUCH TO MY REVIEWERS! especially to Kiwi dude who gave me the idea for cell phones! And without further ado: READ, REVIEW, & ENJOY! )

Ginny and Hermione made their way to the Great Hall for dinner with Ron and Harry trailing shortly behind them. Harry and Ron seated themselves across from the girls and drummed their fingers on the gold and scarlet checkered tablecloth, waiting for the food to appear.

A mass of students and teachers streamed in. Dumbledore took his seat at the teacher's table, clapped his hands as the food appeared. Before they were able to submerge their heads in the cauldrons of steaming soup, Dumbledore raised his hand up.

" I would like to call to your attention some changes that will be happening in our school. As you may have noticed, the assortment of food tonight may be slightly different. We are expanding our Muggle Studies program. We have included some of their foods into our meals. For example, Mr. Potter, that circular pie in front of you, covered in tomato sauce and cheese is a PIZZA. It is from Italy and widely enjoyed by muggles." At this statement, all the student from wizarding families stared at the "pie".

Professor McGonagal smiled and continued, "Mister Malfoy, the platter in front of you contains TACOS. They are all the rage in America. Some will contain chicken, and some ground beef. I myself, prefer the Tostada Bowls though..."

Dumbledore stood up and ginned, " And last of all, we have conversed with the Ministry, a Muggle contraption known as the 'CELLULAR PHONE' shall be permitted. All of you from muggle families, I assume have one. We have taken the liberty of ordering one for all of our other students. He snapped his fingers and a small parcel fell from the ceiling and landed in the laps of many gaping student. Enjoy and Eat!"

The students savagely ripped opened their packages. And discovered (dun-Dun-DUN!) CELL PHONES! (I don't think they were all that shocked considering the professors had already told them of this…) "I got a razor phone… woohoo." Malfoy muttered sarcastically.

"Eww… I got one too…" Hermione said, and handed Harry the black razor phone she had gotten. "Yuck it's the same as Malfoy's," He muttered.  
"At least it's not pink," Ron said. "Here let me take that," Hermione said, and took the pink phone and handed him Harry's old phone which was red.  
"God this is confusing .." Ron muttered. Ginny, who was not even a part of this conversation, stared at them and then asked, "Uh… how do these weird foldy things work….?"  
"You type in a set of numbers and press the green button, wait for someone to pick up the other phone and then you, well, talk," Hermione explained, whist picking up an EXTRA-cheesy slice of pizza.  
"Oh, that makes so much sense." Ginny said sarcastically.  
"Actually," Neville interrupted," It kind of does."  
"Oh shuddup." Ginny glared. Hermione's phone started to ring, the Pink Panther theme, and she quickly opened the phone.  
"Hello…?"  
" Ohmygosh, HERZ! It's me, KORS!" A high pitched voice erupted from the speaker. " I found your new cell number! Oh and by the way, when were you going to tell me you were a witch?"  
"Uhh…I'm not..."  
"OH YES YOU ARE! AND SO AM I!"  
"YOU ARE!" "Yeah, I go to MSM, aka Manhattan school of Magic, it's in the 'States homeslicer."  
"Really?"  
"Yeah, and you go to Hoggy, don't cha?"  
"WHAT?"  
"You should know your own schools nickname, really I am surprised at you…"  
"Same old Kors."

"Hermione," Dumbledore interrupted, "I'm appalled at you, talking on your phone, AT THE TABLE?"(he winked) "Sorry professor…"

(a/n: THANKS… PLEASE READ AND REVIEW, I WOULD really LIKE 2 HAVE AT LEAST 15 REVIEWS BEFORE MY NEXT UPDATE!


	8. a PRODUCTIVE HoM lesson!

(A/N: soooo... thanks to all my reviewers! I love u guys! A few of my ideas thru out da story are ideas from you guys, my beloved reviewers! Oh and I recently just saw the movie "Tristan + Isolde" – however you spell her name, and now I've become obsessed with the name Tristan, so don't be surprised if one shows up later on. I always was obsessed but you know... ; )

**CHAPTER EIGHT- a PRODUCTIVE History of Magic lesson**

Hermione trotted into the History of Magic classroom with not a moment to spare. "GO ME! UH HUH, WHO'S GOOD? WHO WAS actually ON TIME? ME! THAT'S RIGHT!" were the thoughts going through dear Hermione's head. But of course she didn't show her true feelings in the least. She smiled as Harry and Ron rushed through the door a few seconds after the bell and took their seats in front of Hermione.

Professor Bins was not the _least_ bit shocked when, what do you know, none other than Ginny Weasley walks into the classroom. She gave a shy wave at Harry and grinned at Hermione. She took a seat about two rows behind Hermione and raised her hand in the air.

Bins was absolutely daft as to what was going on. He looked over to Ginny and said, "Why hello Ms. Weasley, what a surprise. You look like you have something to say. Or maybe not..." he trailed off.

Ginny smiled and said, "Well yes Professor Bins, I have joined your HoM class, thanks to the recommendation of Professor Dumbledore." Bins just nodded and said, "Very well" and continued his speech on Goblin rebellions, or whatever they were SUPPOSED to be learning...

Harry and Ron turned around in their seats and put their feet up on Hermione's table. She did the same and took out her laptop. She laid back as her computer powered up. She took her pink RAZR phone out of her pack and motioned Harry, Ron and Ginny to do the same. She looked over just in time to see Ginny pull an Apple computer out from her shoulder bag. Hermione gasped and scrawled a short note to Gin on a spare piece of parchment.

_GIN! when were you going to tell me you got an **apple** computer! Huh? And there i was thinking we were bast friends... JK! Since when may I ask and where did you get it. _

_Hermy Herm Herm _

_P.S. Lets chat on HIM and plot evilly! PUAHAHA!_

She levitated the note to Ginny. The note was read and within a matter of minutes they were chatting.

Heemione quickly typed, "hola ginny!"

She was quickly responded with, "hola hermy!" from Ginny.

_But little did the girls know that ever word they type was being: saved, and read back ion the Office of Albus Dumbledore... This is the message that he received, and quite frankly, _enjoyed_ reading._

"Yougotgruffined: now... let's plot!

Weaslette: ok

yougotgryffined: but first... how did you end up in my HoM class!

Weaslette: 10 galleons says that Dumbledore knows what we're planning to do and is laughing his head off back in his office" At this remark Dumbledore gave a laugh and hoisted his feat up on a nearby ottoman. _This should be good, _he thought as he stared back into the screen of his large flatscreen computer...

" yougotgryffined: GP...

weaslette?

Yougotgryffined: good point

weaslette: ahhhhhh... nice!

Yougotgryffined: oh and where'd u get the laptop?

Weaslette: my dear brothers gred and feorge decided i could use an early birthday prezzy. They rock!

Yougotgryffined: cool. Ur lucky. I'm an only child, so the only gifts i get are from my family, and occasionally from my friends.

weaslette: poor you! Ur deprived! lol

yougotgryffined: lol

yougotgryffined: oh wait

weaslette: wut?

Yougotgryffined: ron and harry keep trying to c what i'm writing

weaslette: ok well in that case...**RON WEASLEY AND HARRY POTTER ARE THE WORLD'S BIGGEST BROWN-NOSERS! I'M ASHAMED TO BE RELATED TO ONE OF THEM BUT ALAS...**

weaslette: think they were able 2 read that?

Yougotgryffined: LOL, they became red and turned around. I keep kicking them in the head when i swing my feet though

weaslette: whoops!

Yougotgryffined: lol

yougotgryffined: now. DOWN 2 BUSSINESS!

weaslette: we can send Snape TXT messages with our phones and call him during class!

yougotgryffined: good idea! Or at meals we could send him a song along with our messages and then whenever it rings that will be his tone!

Weaslette: i was listening 2 ur muggle CDs and i have the prefect songs in mind!

Yougotgryffined: do tell Young-Evil-One...

weaslette: one called 'my pumps' and one called 'milkshake'...

yougotgryffined: LOL Gin, but its called MY _HUMPS, _not my PUMPS... ur good- oh so evil!

Weaslette: i try Hermy, i try...

yougotgryffined: LOL!

yougotgryffined: move up one row so ur behind me

weaslette: ok

weaslette: by the way hermy... now that i'm withing a few inches of ur hair i notice that it's not messy at all! Its actually just curly. And the curls aren't messy. They're quite lovely. Are they charmed or producted?

Yougotgryffined: none of the above... you just twist your hair around your want and pull away and CHA-BOING! There you go. I discovered this while bored out of my mind in Herbology when i was done taking noted B4 everyone else.

Weaslette: neat-o!

Yougotgryffined: ok, now i'll buy the ringtones off my phone and then send them later.

Weaslette: HERMY!

yougotgryffined: what! Let me concentrate on finding the ringtone!

Weaslette: Herms the ring is too loud you can hear every song you scroll over and the guys are staring at you!

Yougotgryffined: wow, i just looked up from the computer screen just now and i noticed that harry and ron were staring at me. Just noticed it now...

weaslette: hermy there are many things you notice a little too late

yougotgryffined: what's that supposed to mean?

weaslette: hmmm... maybe like ron liking you!

yougotgryffined: shut up, that's not true

weaslette: riiiiiiiiiiight, and my dad's going to get attacked be some large vicious snake while at work-at the misuse of muggle artifact agency!**_"_**

**(_A/N: lol, had to add that in! Read OotP and you will understand- this story takes place B4 book 5 sort of...)_**

_Dumbledore smiled grimly, _you don't say..._ he thought as he kept reading..._

" yougotgryffined: STOP IT GINNY

weaslette: whatever...

yougotgryffined: whatever... we need to find a time and place to meet and execute the prank

weaslette: how about the guest tower

yougotgryffined: huh?

Weaslette: GASP! Hermione Granger not knowing something about out beloved school- what has the world come to!

yougotgryffined: I've read HOGWARTS A HISTORY over 40 times, how could i not know this!

Weaslette: lol don't worry Hermione, it's okay. Fred and George told me about it. There's a tapestry of a lion on the wall near the boy's dormitory. If you tickle it in a _certain_ place, if you know what i mean, it will lead you to the guest rooms. Leave it to my brothers to touch portraits in odd places. I mean they tickled a PEAR, and discovered the kitchens for god's sake!

Yougotgryffined: wow...

weaslette: yeah... well we can execute phase one of the prank during our canceled astrology lesson tonight.

Yougotgryffined: ok

weaslette: any luck with the ringtones yet?

Yougotgryffined: yup i got them both- mind you they cost me 2 galleons each!

Weaslette: wow...

yougotgryffined: yeah i know, pricey!

Weaslette: how long have we been talking?

Yougotgryffined: about...holy smokes! Almost the entire class!

Weaslette: well, for once in my life i am proud to say that this was a VERY productive HoM lesson!

Yougotgryffined: gp!**_"_**

Alas poor Ginny would never get her 10 galleons as Dumbledore laughed in his office. _Poor Severus! Well I can help them by tweaking their ringtone prank just a _tad_ bit... _

(A/N: well thats the 8th chapter! Hope you like it. Please R&R. If you have any good ideas please tell me!)

Oh, and i PROMISE that Krumy-Krum-Krum will make his appearance next chappie along with the pre-Gildaism and the cell phone prank. Sorry but i keep delaying it!

Christine, the ORIGINAL Gilda!


	9. the Wrappings and Rappings of Kors

(A/N: HELLOOOOOOOOO I'm back from my freakishly long hiatus! Since its summer, I will update more, you can be sure. That reminds me, check out my story, _All Thanks to a Resume, _please!

LOTS OF LOVE AND HOPEFULLY REVIEWS...

CHRISTINE )

**CHAPTER 9 at last: the Wrappings and Rap-ings of Kors**

"Go Hermy its sher birthday,

We gonna parteee like its sher birthday!"

Sang the group in a strange imitation of the muggle 'rapper' Snoop Dogg.

"We got a yummy cake

And candles too!

We do this once a ye-ar

And onleee fo yooo!" continued Kors in a Jamaican accent, quite unaware that she was singing alone and that everyone was staring at her.

"Okayyyy," said Hermione slowly, " well, thank you guys sooo much!" gushed Hermione, going around the dormitory and hugged her friends. "By the way Kors… why are you _here?_"

"Oh, yeah, when my parents found out you were a witch, they contacted your parents and told them that you'd be thrilled if I transferred, and I did! Oh, and I can teach you guys these great muggle songs from the States! Like the Snoop Dog one!" said Kors cheerily.

Ginny looked around the dorm and winked significantly at certain people and Hermione watched as they stroked their noses and pulled their ears in return. Hermione looked at them, just a tad bit worried, "you guys…what's going on…"

During her question she was pounced on by Ginny and Kors as they slipped a blindfold over her eyes and picked her up. The eight girls (all seeming like insignificant characters until later on in the story!) carried a kicking and screaming Hermione down to the common room all the while trying to calm her down unsuccessfully.

"Hermy, chill! Calm down! This will only be a second..." said Ginny in vain, narrowly missing a blow to the head.  
"OK! OK! We're here, calm down," yelled one of the nameless girls.

Kors took the blindfold off Hermione's eyes and the girls threw her on the couch.

Hermione blinked a few times and looked around. The common room was totally transformed into a party room. Above the fireplace was a banner that read, "HAPPY 16th BIRTHDAY HERMIONE!"

The room was filled with all her friends. There was a huge mound of presents waiting to be opened.

She unwrapped her gifts and hugged her friends all individually. She had received a load of books, a portable DVD player, mounds of movies, sapphire earrings and a necklace from (Harry and Ron), a certificate for 50 galleons worth of chocolate at Honeydukes from the twins, an iPod and speakers for it which she hooked up right away. Since it was magical, it already had all her favorite songs.

"SOS" by Rihanna blasted through the common room. Ginny set up one of those spinning light changing machines. Since they decided to have her party in the common room, many other people joined the fiesta and wished Hermione a happy birthday.

Just then, the thickly accented voice of the Muggle singer Sean Paul started playing and the girls squealed.

"Well woman the way the time cold I wanna be keepin' you warm  
I got the right temperature to shelter you from the storm  
Oh lord, gal I got the right tactics to turn you on, and girl I...  
Wanna be the Papa...You can be the Mom...oh oh!" they sang in a cheesy accent.

" Make I see the gal them bruk out pon the floor from you don't want no worthless performer  
From you don't want no man wey can't turn you on gal make I see your hand them up on ya..  
Can't tan pon it long...naw eat no yam...no steam fish...nor no green banana  
But down in Jamaica we give it to you hot like a sauna.."

All the guys stared at them, _HUH?_

Muggle music was the new fad, and EVERY girl in the wizarding world knew and loved this song.

But all the guys really appreciated when "Hips Don't Lie" started playing and all the girls started dancing.

Kors sang the part of Wyclef Jean in a perfect immitation.  
" I never really knew that she could dance like this  
She makes a man want to speak Spanish  
Como se llama, bonita, mi casa, su casa."

Hermione and the girls sang Shakira's part.

"Oh baby when you talk like that  
You make a woman go mad  
So be wise and keep on  
Reading the signs of my body !

"And I'm on tonight  
You know my hips don't lie  
And I'm starting to feel it's right  
All the attraction, the tension  
Don't you see baby, this is perfection."

Kors sang again,

"Hey Girl, I can see your body moving  
And it's driving me crazy  
And I didn't have the slightest idea  
Until I saw you dancing,

And when you walk up on the dance floor  
Nobody cannot ignore the way you move  
your body, girl  
And everything so unexpected - the way  
you right and left it  
So you can keep on taking it."

The girls belted out the ending,

"I'm on tonight, my hips don't lie  
And I'm starting to feel you boy  
Come on let's go, real slow  
Baby, like this is perfecto

Oh, you know I'm on tonight and my  
hips don't lie  
And I'm starting to feel it's right  
The attraction, the tension  
Baby, like this is perfection!"

Their song was greeted by a ton of applause and they all took a bow.

Hermione stood at the top of the staircase and looked down at all the people. She spoke into a microphone she had conjured. "Thank you all for coming to my party, I had an awesome time, and I hope you enjoyed it also! For all you guys that got me gifts, thanks so much, I really appreciate it."

This party went down in Hogwarts history. Hermione became very well known by all the students in her house and they were always willing to lend a helping hand. After all the excitement from the party settled down Hermione remembered about Krum. It had been almost a week and she hadn't seen him.

"Gin, tonight is the night we're gonna find Krum and see what he's up to. It's a Sunday, so not that many people are going to hang around the common room. By 12, it should be empty."

"Ok, at midnight come down to the common room with your cell and your wand."

They parted and the rest of the day went by quite uneventfully. Hermione waiting in her dormitory until all her roommates were fast asleep. She crept out of her bed. Dressed head to toe in black she felt like she was about to commit a crime.

She tiptoed into the common room and almost crashed into Ginny.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" she whispered to Ginny that was just dressed in her nightgown.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN!" Ginny whispered back, "WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR OUTFIT?"

"I'M DRESSED LIKE A SPY, DUH." Hermione performed a spell to change Ginny's nightgown to be black and transfigured some dust bunnies into back shoes and a hat to cover her red locks.

"I FEEL SO EVIL!" Ginny said happily.

"WOW. OK... WHERE'S THE TAPESTRY?"

"I DUNNO, ITS TOO DARK."

"_Lumos,"_ they both whispered.

"There it is!" said Hermione, forgetting to whisper.

They walked over it and had a fight over who would tickle _it._ At last Hermione sighed and did the deed. The lion growled and swatted at them in the painting. The tapestry swung open revealing thin long hallway, lit by candles every 20 meters.

They passed at least 15 doors until Ginny pointed to something.

"LOOK!" she whispered, pointing to a door. Light was streaming out from the other side.

"GET READY..." Hermione whispered, positioning her wand.

Ginny's hand rested on the door nob, waiting for the signal...

(**A/N: ok! so how'd you like it? it's my longest chapter ever, so i expect LOTS of reviews! ideas are welcomed! next chappie is the encounter w/ krum, and pranks. sorry bout the cliffie at the end, HEHE! so remem ber to READ & REVIEW ,y wonderful reviewers!)**

CHRISTINE, aka GILDA 3


	10. Krummy Krum Krum

**(A/N: I'M BAAAAAAAAAACK! I know what you're thinking (" holy crap, take cover!" ) I've had major laziness and now I have decided to continue HIM! **

**GILDA MAKES HER FOXY-LICOUS ENTRANCE THIS CHAPTER.**

**  
Flashback from last chappie: **_"LOOK!" she whispered, pointing to a door. Light was streaming out from the other side. "GET READY..." Hermione whispered, positioning her wand. Ginny's hand rested on the door nob, waiting for the signal..._ **MUAHAH! CLIFFIE! Now back to the story...)**

**10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.10.**

**CHAPTER 10 **_what do you know..._

"**_HIYAAAAAAAAAA!_" **Hermione yelled as Ginny thrust open the door. They had their wands raised, and legs in a ninja-style lunge, ready to attack.

Krum was facing the wall. He was still; _too_ still...

"Hello?" Ginny called tentatively. _Was there to be no epic battle? No ninja fight scene? Dang, I should have stayed in bed.  
_Ginny marched over to Krum and shoved him hard"AHH! Who are you!" Krum yanked the earphones out of his ears and scrambled up, fumbling for his wand.  
He concentrated his gaze on Hermione. "Hermione, is that you?" His accent was pure London, not his usual eastern European.  
"VIKTOR? What's wrong with your accent?" Viktor looked like a deer caught in headlights at this remark.  
"Yeah _VIKTOR_, if that even _is_ your real name." Ginny said back with a smirk.  
Viktor looked at Hermione and raised one eyebrow. "Yeah, that _is _my real name. Why would I change it?"  
Ginny looked slightly crestfallen. "Oh...I don't know."  
"Why are you here anyway, I thought you graduated?"  
"I did."

There was a strange silence. "God damn it, then why are you here?" Yelled Ginny.

"Ok, let me explain everything..." Viktor started. "I am not who you think I am. My real name_ is_ Victor, spelled with a C, not a K. It was changed when I graduated from Hogwarts the year before you arrived. I became a spy for Dumbledore, and went undercover as a student on the Bulgarian quidditch team since I was good. My mission was to keep a close eye on Karkarof while I was there for Dumbledore, but it didn't go exactly as we planned. And now I'm back here because D wants me to teach quidditch."

"So...you're on _our_ side?"  
"Yes Ginny, he's on our side."  
"Then this whole little ninja-in-the-night thing was pointless?"

"Yes, kind of," Krum cut in.

"Well then what should we do?"  
"I have a brilliant idea..."

Seconds later, they surrounded Viktor's, or should we say, _Victor's..._Apple Computer and started up AIM.  
"What should our screen name be?" Victor called over his shoulder.  
"I was thinking something along the lines of... ps I love you?" Ginny said, cringing.

Hermione lounged on Victor's couch and pushed back her cuticles. "Nice, **_Foxy Gila Kitten_** would be good."  
"Genius!" Victor said, signing in.

"Move over you amatures, and watch Gilda at work." Hermione marched over to the desk with the computer and pushed the others out of the way.

"All I have to do is open a new IM box, and enter in Snape's SN, easy."  
"Yeah, Hermione, but we don't know his SN."  
"Say's you." She said, smirking.

(**A/N : oh snapppppppp, didn't see THAT comin? Short, i kno, but next chapter is more, i promise! REVIEW REVIEW REVIEWWWWWWWWWWWW )**


	11. Pedro Hulio Sanchez Tico Rico

**CHAPTER 11 **HOGWARTS INSTANT MESSAGING

(**A/N: oh snappppppp! The fun begins! READ/REVIEW/ENJOY my minons! SORRY FOR TAKING SO SO SO LONG TO UPDATE !!!!)**

Hermione's fingers typed at the speed of light! Well, not that fast, but pretty darn quick...

"Hey Snapey baby, what's shakin' hottie?" She muttering out loud.

**  
foxy Gilda kitten: **heyyyyyyyy  
**SNeAky magicPowErs69**: who is this?  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: Gilda, silly billy!

All three doubled over in silent laughter.  
"What is wrong with Snape's screen name? Its so freaky!" Ginny squeeled.

"Sneaky magic powers?...69!? What the hell?" Victor said in disgust.

"Shut up and tell me what to say."

**SNeAky magicPowErs69**: um...where did you get my SN?  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: don't tell me you forgot!  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: remember? at that nightclub 2 summers ago...  
**SNeAky magicPowErs69**: Gilda? Aren't you back in Guadalupe?  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: yes! And i never got to tell you but...  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: i found out later that i'm pregnant  
**SNeAky magicPowErs69**: WHAT??? with my child???  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: si... he even looks like his daddy. Little ...Pedro Hulio Ramirez Sanchez Tico Rico Santiago.  
**SNeAky magicPowErs69**: WOAH! Thats a long hispanic name!

"Haha_ha, _Snape is even more gullible than I thought! How can he believe this Gilda person? I expected him to say, 'What!? Who do you think you are!', but he actually thinks he has a son?" Hermione laughed heartily.

"Yeah, I know! I doubt he has met anyone at a club, let alone been to one..."

**foxy Gilda kitten**: he is just the spitting image of you Sev!  
**SNeAky magicPowErs69**: do you have any pictures? I want to put it up if u can send it to me

All three looked at each other in alarm. "What do we say?!" Ginny whispered frantically.

"Let me take over, I know." Victor took over the mouse and keyboard and started to type.

**foxy Gilda kitten**: oh nooooooo. we cant afford any cameras, i never took any pictures of heem.  
**SNeAky magicPowErs69**: oh.. what a shame. I never imagined being a father after just one drunken night!  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: yes little Pedrito says hola to you. He doesnt speak english yet.  
**foxy Gilda kitten**: i have to go sevvy but i'll talk to you later hottieeeee. Muah Muah.

(**A/N: YES YES YES! I know i havent updated in forever but ive been such a bad girl. I wrote this chapter a while ago. Didnt turn out the way i wanted it to, but oh well the pranks come in the next chapter i promise! Hopefully you peeps still read this xD R&R!!!!! love, nike**)


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